The Heart of Healing

It seemed to be a good time in my life  – so many dreams were coming true – one after the other.  Among other things, I had created a country nursery, selling plants for Hummingbirds and Butterflies.  It was a success!  There were customers every day, I had committed helpers and the way was clear, I just needed to keep going and it would keep growing…

Then, one day I started to feel funny.  I thought maybe I was entering menopause because the feelings were unknown and kinda strange.  I was losing energy, was fluish so I decided to take a two week rest and go from there.  At the end of two weeks I wasn’t any better, if anything I was worse.  Overwhelming fatigue, nausea, all kinds of crazy symptoms were just simply worsening.  I went to Kaiser and was told to go home and rest.  I went back to Kaiser and they said I definitely didn’t have Lyme disease, and gave me all kinds of misinformation.  I tried to keep going but finally found a Lyme doctor who interviewed me and gave me the news – it was Lyme, no doubt about it.  He sent samples to Igenex, the only lab that seemed to know how to diagnose Lyme.  The results came back – Lyme positive.

Don’t worry, said my wise and kind MD/Acupuncturist.  We’ll have you up and running again in about 6 months.  SIX MONTHS??????  Oh I was confident it wouldn’t be that long, I’d never really been sick before.  I took home two giant jars of antibiotics with directions to take a heroic dose that evening and go from there.

After a double dose of Amoxicillin and Doxycycline I became violently ill.  I just remember screaming in pain with a bad headache and vomiting that didn’t seem to stop.  I couldn’t take a pain killer so somehow made it through the night.  My husband was beside himself, he didn’t know how to help me but he tried.  The next day my doctor said to cut back the dose but that I had had the “Herxheimer” response to antibiotics and the Lyme bacteria that were being killed had poisoned my liver.  Only Lyme and Syphilis,  both of which are spirochetes (spiral shaped bacteria) create this response to antibiotics.  Who knew?  This was getting worse by the minute…

I then continued with what was to become a 14 month stint of heroic doses of antibiotics, changing them every two weeks, to try and fool the bacteria.  I also took probiotics, and a lot of other supplements, had acupuncture twice a month and later on got healing massage sessions from a loving woman.  This was the medical protocol and I followed it diligently, each day was a new hell realm of fatigue, foggy brain and strange emotions.  I remember that I had over 30 of the lyme symptoms as detailed by Dr. Burrascano.  His posting on the internet most likely saved my life as I was able to pursue the diagnosis even in the face of being denied treatment by Kaiser.

Back to my healing – I was mostly in bed, with regular trips to the bathroom.  Occasionally I made it into the living room where I could watch tv or watch my garden from the newly built window seat in my living room.  There weren’t other options, I couldn’t walk far, I was too dizzy and in too much pain.  Life as I knew it was over.  None of the pleasures of life were available to me – my brain was foggy so I couldn’t read, tv was painful, even food tasted horrible.  Sleep was intermittent.  So I cried.  I cried in self pity, I cried in grief for all I had lost I cried and cried and cried.

Then, one day I had what can only be called a spontaneous vision.  As I wallowed in the depths of despair I saw all the others on this earth who suffer – in hospital beds, maybe without beds and many of them worse off than me, as hard as that is to fathom.  I had joined the legions of sufferers, from my exalted life of adventure and success I was at the bottom of the lake, drowning in misery.

This was my biggest single turning point in my healing.  I realized that healing doesn’t come from doctors (they mostly can’t agree on a diagnosis), or even from pills, but is a form of grace.  Yes we can make the setting more fertile for grace, but nonetheless healing is not guaranteed – ever.  So, what do I offer this universe?  All that I have – that’s what.  I made a prayer that day- and this is the most important thing I have to share with those of you who seek healing – this was my prayer:

“Great Spirit, Please show me how to serve humanity – if I receive the grace of healing show me what you want me to do with my life – I offer everything, and please make it really clear”

to be continued…

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