The Paradox of Vulnerability

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“The Divine Speaks in Paradox” Robert Johnson

Vulnerability is paradoxical, as what appears at first glance as weakness is actually strength. To be soft, open and undefended, to let the heart remain permeable in a world that rewards armor, this is a profound strength.  It asks us to relax in the unknown without reaching immediately for protection. It asks us to feel what is here, rather than shaping ourselves into something more acceptable, more contained, more controlled. Stepping fully into a paradox takes courage, and yet, it may be the  place where we truly find ourselves.

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Mary Poppins and the Shamanic Way

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Sometimes, our earliest teachers come in the form of stories.
Sometimes, they arrive on the wind.
May we all remember the magic that hums beneath the surface of our ordinary days —
and may we have the courage to fly when the wind invites us onward.

As my life has unfolded in ways no suburban child could have imagined, I have found myself drawn again and again to those who walk between worlds — shamanic healers from distant countries and ancient traditions. My mind delights in the threads that weave them together: songs that heal, prayers whispered to the wind, and the steadfast belief that the seen and unseen are in constant conversation.

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When Kindness Becomes Self-Abandonment

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There comes a moment when you realize the love you give to others must be matched by the love you give yourself. This is not a selfish act—it is the very soil in which your well-being grows. Without tending those roots, your empathy can become an open door for harm. But when you nurture your own ground, your compassion deepens, your boundaries strengthen, and you bloom in ways no storm can undo.

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What does it really take to heal?

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Healing—true, deep, and lasting healing—is one of life’s greatest challenges. As someone who has lived through and healed two serious illnesses, I’ve learned that healing requires more than just following a treatment plan. It demands resilience, intuition, and an open mind.

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Turn All of Your Obstacles into Your Superpowers – Jai Ganesha

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Ganesha, the Hindu elephant God is revered as the remover of obstacles, among other things.  The mythology that surrounds him is varied, and the messages within it as well, but one day, while chanting a Sanskrit mantra devoted to the worship of Ganesha I saw it clearly – he made the most of his larger than life-sized obstacle, namely wearing the head of an elephant and turned that to such good purpose that he was deified.  It catapulted him into the realm of the Gods.   He’s also quite tubby, a quality that is not often respected by mortal humans, instead it is considered a sign of weakness.  However, in this case it simply increases his adorability manyfold!  Jai Ganesha!  We love you!

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When feelings ferment, we resent

Leana Lovejoy2 Comments

When a negative feeling is deemed necessary or appropriate it just seems to sit in the psyche and ferment. As it sits it becomes more and more toxic and more and more sour. This is the way of the “fermented feelings” they are unpleasant and unhealthy. Where do they come from? How do we heal them? This is exactly what I’ve been contemplating lately.

I began to face my own long-standing pattern of unconsciously creating resentment towards others. It has been purely subconscious but has just revealed itself as the fertile ground for the harmful thought streams it has created. As I delve more deeply into some long held resentments I see that the actual resentment is towards myself for not speaking up in the very moment when I feel mistreated or disrespected by another. Often called “self-abandonment” I’m actively working to call out this “people pleaser” part of me and replace it with healthier attitudes. I’m finally experiencing the lightness of life without all the built up toxicity of unpleasant encounters created during the times I didn’t have the capacity or courage to speak up for myself.

Self abandonment is a trauma response. Neglected as a child, as many of us were, we struggled to find ways to be loved and cared for and learned that speaking up was not one of them. I forgive my Mother who also suffered neglect from parents whose survival was in question during the Great Depression and feel a great sense of relief at having finally seen this coping mechanism revealed as what it is – self harm.

The first wave is most likely the awareness of the events that created unhealthy emotions. Clarity begins to emerge from the swirl of emotion – heart is reclaimed from the egoic territory of negativity and judgment. The challenge is clear. The destination is also clear but the vehicle is not. How is this destination of pure hearted love and forgiveness (including self forgiveness) reached? What meditation or exercise can do this? How do I really forgive myself? Is the recognition of what I want to forgive enough to catalyze the healing? What are the next steps beyond recognition and deeper recognition of the ways the resentments were created? How can I learn to speak up for myself in the future so I don’t continue to create more of the same? ‘

This IS the path – learning to “unrepress” emotions and access them in real time… the big work… the way to nirvana, samadhi, peace, contentment. No more fermented of feelings…

I have noticed in my life when I learn something new that there is always an opportunity to put into place my newest lessons or understandings. Bam! The universe gives me an almost immediate opportunity to see if I have learned what I wanted to learn or is it back to the drawing board as I recognize myself falling right into old familiar habits. Never fear, there will be more opportunities. Sometimes change comes quickly, other times it takes longer, more opportunities arise… this is life, in fact. Enjoy it!

Living with Long-Haul Covid symptoms

Leana Lovejoy3 Comments

This isn’t the blog post I wanted to write – this isn’t the life I thought I’d be living. That said I’m not intending to be a victim, and see my own body and symptoms as my teachers and healers. Understanding how to make the best of a bad situation is important to me, and going deeper into the process is my path and choice…

It all started at the end of January, 2020. I had a severe flu like illness, but nobody was talking about Covid yet. I, like many others, kept thinking “this is really the worst flu I’ve ever imagined” and the fatigue and aches and pains were intense almost leading to hospitalization but not quite. There was one night, when I had to sleep propped upright so I could breathe that I thought “if this gets any worse I’ll need to go to the hospital” but thankfully that was the worst moment for me – not for many others, though.

After a month in bed with crippling fatigue, and all kinds of strange pain, mostly focused in my legs – I knew I needed to get some exercise and start moving. I felt 85 years old (I’m a couple of decades younger than that) and could only walk bent over, and shuffling… a return to yoga, or sitting cross legged or just about any physical activity was impossible. After several practitioners didn’t understand what I was going through (they actually said “you’re fine, get going”) I found a chiropractor who understood that I had “frozen hips” or “adhesive capsulitis”. which is a condition that is comes and goes mysteriously – usually after prolonged inactivity…

This was the true beginning of ongoing and extended healing journey which has led to uncovering other major issues that continue to plague my life. I somehow tore a muscle in my thigh (OUCH!) and ruptured a disc in my low back. I’ve never had back trouble, or torn a muscle and I can honestly say i do not recommend either experience….and oh yeah, the muscle pain in my legs continues to baffle and trouble me. I get stiff when I’ve done too much, I can’t walk too much without a lot of pain the next day. I asked the practitioner how to know if I’m overdoing it and he said “because it hurts the next day”. So, caught between a desire to be active and a desire to heal completely I drift… wondering and trying to be more in touch with my body. It’s hugely challenging.

I was pretty active much of my life – bicycling, hiking, running, whitewater rafting, snorkeling and ocean swimming… then I got into extreme gardening (really!) and singlehandedly propagated thousands of plants to start a nursery. I can’t even dream of such activities these days. Walking to the mailbox is an ordeal… it’s about 50 yards up the hill and that takes all I’ve got. It’s been more than two years, almost three… or so…I have to constantly remind myself of the progress I’ve made from barely being able to sit up… not able to walk at all… to walking with a cane. I’m only 67 and this just isn’t how it was going to be.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to tell others about my challenges and when I do it usually elicits a response something like this “oh, me too I have _____ (you name it, back trouble, some other kind of trouble or maybe even cancer) and I realize that in this life there are many challenges, and health challenges can surely top the list. I took my own health for granted, and complained mightily about things that upon reflection clearly just weren’t that bad. I’m sorry to whoever I complained to.

Coming on 3 years life has been redefined for just about everyone on planet Earth. Lockdowns are common, fear of disease is rampant and it seems we’ve all become infected with PTSD, since life is traumatic. What is the cure? There is only one real direction to look and that is towards the big questions – what is the purpose of our lives? Is it happiness? Connection? Work? For me the only answer is creativity and inquiry. I’ve been mostly practicing the Wim Hof breathing method in the mornings and I found that when I am thinking of the challenges of my life and am overwhelmed by them I have a very short breath hold during that part of the session. When I wake up to that and replace the negative thinking with the picture of a sunflower then instantly my lung capacity increases and I feel better. Is it really that simple? I’ll let you know, or better yet, give it a try yourself and let me know.

Life is a dance and when my legs don’t work I dance with my arms. I’m not trying to belittle the experience just reflect what works when I start the rapid descent into self pity or am overcome by the pain and refusal of my body to cooperate like it used to. Looking around when I go out into the world I realize that I never did feel enough compassion for all the people walking around with canes, or crutches or in a wheelchair. They are most likely in some discomfort and pain, or they wouldn’t be using the crutches…and I want to send them some compassion and now I feel a sense of sisterhood with all of humanity that doesn’t have full health and can no longer do a wide range of yoga poses. This is how we learn, the hardest lessons of life come through experience.

And after regaining some mobility and finding ways to reduce the extreme pain I can only turn one way for purpose and that is to creativity in any of its forms. I bought watercolor paints, I chose some sewing projects, decided to learn to play bass guitar and I hired help to revive my overgrown gardens… One step at a time back into a life that feels good, that functions well and continuing on whether or not I can ever walk a mile again…this is how it goes.

Please let me know how you have coped with your extended illness and physical disability. I’m wondering if I can get the handicapped parking sticker! Surely I can find more benefit in this day’s possibilities even from my living room chair…

Love – the mirror

The shadow part of our unconscious has a talent and desire to cause trouble for us. So it becomes of paramount important to find a way to prevent the meddlesome troublemaking of our shadow sides.

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I have lived most of my life believing that love is always positive, that love only speaks the kindest truth… that love sees with the heart. And I still believe this but as a new way of discerning kindness has been shown to me. It has become very clear to me that a very effective way to see ourselves is to use love, friendship or intimacy as a mirror and allow the love to open us more fully to ourselves and also to see the places we may not see clearly ourselves. Only in a trusted connection of friendship and real love can this function in the highest way.

There is a necessity to be able to face all of ourselves, the light and the dark to continue growing and expanding in higher consciousness. Our shadow side is sneaky, when we look there, our shadow diappears! It can only be seen by looking behind and those who have the best view are often outside ourselves. Our friends and family can help us to become the people we want to be with loving feedback and observation.

This is tricky turf, though. In many relationships and families most of us have witnessed this process being subverted through criticism and verbal abuse. The eyes of love do not see in a judgmental way. Love is patient, love is kind… love especially is kind.

Cultivating relationships and intimacies with others can help us see where we are on the path – “as within, so without”. What kinds of friends do you have? How are they reflecting your shadow side back to you? Awareness is the first big step towards change and healing.

There is another sneaky way the human mind can cloud the mirror, and it is fairly common and very hard to detect from the inside. It is called “projection” where we imagine others to be making us our victims when we are also enacting the behavior we judge in others. By listening to our own judgements of others we can learn to perceive ourselves more clearly, clean our mirrors and heal the ways we judge ourselves and project that outward into the world.

Our shadows want to be seen, to be acknowledged and respected. When that doesn’t happen there are some interesting ways the shadow demands attention. For one there can be a tendency for those with troubled feelings to find someone to whom they can “confess” their darker thoughts and tendencies. It is a cry for help, and a cry for loving attention. The shadow part of our unconscious has a talent and desire to cause trouble for us. So it becomes of paramount important to find a way to prevent the meddlesome troublemaking of our shadow sides. This really is BIG work. Therapists are one powerful avenue towards self -love, and it is important to feel support and respect in that relationship. Close friends can also help us, as can intimate partners. The enmeshment of intimacy does seem to cloud things though and it may not be best to depend on your partner for this support. Sometimes it works to engage in “co-counseling” with a friend where you share time, each giving and receiving emotional support and loving feedback.

I love to contemplate the story of the Chinese Goddess of Compassion – Kwan Yin. She is so filled with love and compassion that she actually rides a dragon to her destination. I understand this to be the illustration of the truth that only love, more love and more compassion can fully integrate the powerful, fiery, potentially destructive parts of our psyche into balance to serve the highest good.

How have you tamed your dragons today? Let’s talk!