Category: abandonment

When Kindness Becomes Self-Abandonment

Leana Lovejoy1 Comment


There comes a moment when you realize the love you give to others must be matched by the love you give yourself. This is not a selfish act—it is the very soil in which your well-being grows. Without tending those roots, your empathy can become an open door for harm. But when you nurture your own ground, your compassion deepens, your boundaries strengthen, and you bloom in ways no storm can undo.

It was just a brief talk—about those of us who carry too much empathy—that lit a quiet spark in my mind. From that spark came a deeper contemplation: the nature of accountability, especially in the tender, tangled terrain of intimate relationships.

So often, we long for our partners to “own their part,” to step forward with honesty and humility. But the truth is both humbling and liberating: we can only ever tend to our own part. That doesn’t mean we are always wrong, or that we accept abuse—it simply means that our power lies in choosing when to engage, and how to respond.

For most of my life, I have sincerely endeavored to respond with empathy, even in the difficult deeply challenging moments. That was my compass, my instinct. But what does empathy look like when a partner’s words cut or their hands harm? Is empathy still kindness then—or is it a potentially disastrous form of self-abandonment?

I remember giving more than one partner a pass on his anger because he had revealed to me the deep sorrows of his childhood. Then I gave another pass. And another. Until one day, something inside me broke open and I ended the connection. It felt like the only way to breathe again. I have never regretted those choices. What I have regretted are the painful moments I failed to stand for my own well-being—when I accepted behavior that was not only unpleasant, but dangerous to my body, mind and spirit.

Over time, I’ve learned this: I would rather gather the lessons from a painful experience than cradle the heavy stone of regret. So I began to rewire my inner landscape—upgrading the old operating system of blame and self-reproach into something cleaner, clearer. Something rooted in awareness. The tools are simple and ancient. Meditation, self-reflection and honesty.

I had to learn—deep in my bones—that my well-being is mine to protect. No one else will do it for me, nor would I ask them to. We are each responsible for our actions, even when we can trace them back to the wounds of childhood. Awareness is the first step, always. Without it, accountability has no soil to grow in.

But awareness does not arrive easily. Shame and guilt rise can and will rise like storm clouds, obscuring the view. It can feel unbearable to admit—to ourselves, before anyone else—that we have acted in ways we wish we hadn’t. And yet, there is courage in turning toward that inner mirror with an unflinching gaze, in seeing the whole of ourselves, and in meeting that reflection not with condemnation, but with love. This, my friend, is true freedom.

And maybe that is the quiet miracle: to hold ourselves with the same tenderness we have so freely offered others, to place our own well-being in the center of the garden, and to tend it faithfully. For when we do, our empathy is no longer a doorway for harm—it becomes a light that guides us toward relationships where love and respect can truly take root and flourish.

When feelings ferment, we resent

Leana Lovejoy2 Comments

When a negative feeling is deemed necessary or appropriate it just seems to sit in the psyche and ferment. As it sits it becomes more and more toxic and more and more sour. This is the way of the “fermented feelings” they are unpleasant and unhealthy. Where do they come from? How do we heal them? This is exactly what I’ve been contemplating lately.

I began to face my own long-standing pattern of unconsciously creating resentment towards others. It has been purely subconscious but has just revealed itself as the fertile ground for the harmful thought streams it has created. As I delve more deeply into some long held resentments I see that the actual resentment is towards myself for not speaking up in the very moment when I feel mistreated or disrespected by another. Often called “self-abandonment” I’m actively working to call out this “people pleaser” part of me and replace it with healthier attitudes. I’m finally experiencing the lightness of life without all the built up toxicity of unpleasant encounters created during the times I didn’t have the capacity or courage to speak up for myself.

Self abandonment is a trauma response. Neglected as a child, as many of us were, we struggled to find ways to be loved and cared for and learned that speaking up was not one of them. I forgive my Mother who also suffered neglect from parents whose survival was in question during the Great Depression and feel a great sense of relief at having finally seen this coping mechanism revealed as what it is – self harm.

The first wave is most likely the awareness of the events that created unhealthy emotions. Clarity begins to emerge from the swirl of emotion – heart is reclaimed from the egoic territory of negativity and judgment. The challenge is clear. The destination is also clear but the vehicle is not. How is this destination of pure hearted love and forgiveness (including self forgiveness) reached? What meditation or exercise can do this? How do I really forgive myself? Is the recognition of what I want to forgive enough to catalyze the healing? What are the next steps beyond recognition and deeper recognition of the ways the resentments were created? How can I learn to speak up for myself in the future so I don’t continue to create more of the same? ‘

This IS the path – learning to “unrepress” emotions and access them in real time… the big work… the way to nirvana, samadhi, peace, contentment. No more fermented of feelings…

I have noticed in my life when I learn something new that there is always an opportunity to put into place my newest lessons or understandings. Bam! The universe gives me an almost immediate opportunity to see if I have learned what I wanted to learn or is it back to the drawing board as I recognize myself falling right into old familiar habits. Never fear, there will be more opportunities. Sometimes change comes quickly, other times it takes longer, more opportunities arise… this is life, in fact. Enjoy it!