There comes a moment when you realize the love you give to others must be matched by the love you give yourself. This is not a selfish act—it is the very soil in which your well-being grows. Without tending those roots, your empathy can become an open door for harm. But when you nurture your own ground, your compassion deepens, your boundaries strengthen, and you bloom in ways no storm can undo.
“Every feeling fully felt leads to Love” — Grace of Mt. Shasta
I lost my Mother last week, which as everyone knows is a huge transition, and even though I know it was her time, I still feel grief arising, in waves that sometimes build and sometimes ebb quietly away. Occasionally the grief has a quality of extreme pain, other times it is soft and warm. I can still hear my Mom’s voice, speaking my name and wonder how long that will last. I saved her final voice message to me on my computer, but alas that computer died and with it – the message… letting go is the message, while remembering to give thanks for her long life, and for the time we had to mend our fences and open our hearts to each other.
What is the pain of grief? My experience is that when grief is allowed, invited, even welcomed that it is a portal to exaltation, to the rainbow realm, the living grace of this world. I have experienced this and so speak from there. But why then is grief sometimes so crippling and painful? The difference, I believe, is guilt. When guilt sneakily attaches itself to grief, huge pain erupts. Thoughts such as “If only I had….” or “why didn’t I…” begin to surface and with them comes enormous pain.
I once read a really interesting book – Power vs. Force and the statement made in that book is that our feelings have vibrations. Guilt and shame, say the author, are the lowest vibration. Lower vibrations (below love) are uncomfortable and make us sick, they bring “dis-ease”. That means that feelings of guilt are necessarily unhealthy for us and our close ones. How do we let them go? Ahhhhh, this is the big work!
I love the word “awareness” and perhaps I overuse it these days – but it does seem that awareness is the first step towards change. After all it is impossible to make a conscious change from an unconscious place. That seems obvious but is truly worth consideration, since taking the first big step of awareness often brings pain. In order to face our uncomfortable habits, thought patterns and neuroses takes courage. Heaps of courage. I for one have a hard time pricking my finger for a little blood sample, why should I want to poke at the demons of my unconscious wounding? Well, awakening the sleeping demons means we will need to tussle with them but let’s for one moment feel confident that we have tools to overcome the challenges of our inner lives. I know we do! You got this! Let’s do it!
Ok so the guilt has been brought to the surface. What is the way to shift and change unconscious patterns? It is remarkably similar to the way we change our bodies – it takes repetition. But unlike building physical strength with emotional re-programming it takes repetition with emotion. Finding the old thoughts and judgements that have created the guilt with us is a huge step, and the painful emotions that are stirred by those thoughts can shift in an instant with new more supportive thoughts. Feeling deeply into the new thoughts creates a new way to respond and the old patterns can drop away, recycle, compost and reappear as grace.
I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it again – this is no easy task. I have noticed that when I need to face something uncomfortable in myself that all the little things undone around the house immediately becoming compelling – the vacuum cleaner beckons, the deep cleaning of the closet must happen – on and on the procrastination continues. It takes huge devotion to make space to sit and contemplate. Right now, in the middle of the Shelter at Home I hope that you have found the time and space for your inner life. The world right now is a huge metaphor for what is needed in our inner lives…just be with yourself. Begin Within… Again…
I have spent countless hours observing caterpillars, chrysalis and butterflies. I have witnessed the challenge, the risk and the glory of metamorphosis. Each transition is difficult – when the caterpillar hatches it is fine food for birds, lizards and other critters. As they grow into adulthood, the caterpillar needs to find a safe place to cocoon. This is not an easy search for such a small being, and there are many hazards on the way. Once again, they can be eaten by birds, or other creatures, crushed by man or animal or run out of time in their quest.
When the caterpillar finds a suitable place (or unsuitable, time will tell, a Monarch caterpillar once made its chrysalis on a hinge and almost made it until an unwitting guest closed the door… sadly…) I digress – It attaches to the wall. It needs to hold on in order to let go. That always tickles me to say, paradoxes are my thing! Then comes the intense part as the caterpillar’s body seems to dissolve. Sometimes they just don’t make it through this process, it can’t be easy. If they do make it then they become another kind of being. A being stopped in time. Some of them have little faces, others look like dangly jade earrings but all of them are specialized and precise. For in some period of time, from a couple of weeks to a couple of years, the butterfly will emerge.
The monarch butterfly emerging is a miracle of nature I’m overawed to have witnessed many times. As the jade green chrysalis approaches hatching time, the skin begins to become transparent and the butterfly inside is seen as a kind of origami puzzle. When it breaks out of the cocoon it is a fragile being. It takes time to dry off its wings and is very vulnerable for even a gust of wind can knock it to the ground and its wings will deform. They can’t take off yet so are at the mercy of any nearby bird. And yet, many of them flutter happily (I project) into the sunlight. Butterflies can’t fly in cold weather so they are always beacons of springtime.
Once they are aloft they have two activities to fulfill. They sip nectar and aid in pollination as a side effect. They make love and procreate. I once watched a monarch butterfly couple do their coupling for almost an hour. When it was complete, he (I imagine, perhaps wrongly) lifted her up and flew her up to a branch where they rested for a while. It’s a short life, but valuable for sure.
Why am I rambling about this right now? We’re quarantined to be safe from the corona virus, we’re watching our world come to a standstill. We are cocooned. It is a challenge perhaps the biggest challenge of our short lives. Life, as we imagined it was, has ceased to be. We have let go, collectively and individually. We have let go of activity for the most part. We’re not allowed to gather or recreate together. It’s very strange. It seems unnatural. For those of us who have meditated and vision quested it is not difficult but most people have spent their lives avoiding being alone and quiet and listening to their inner voice.
What’s next? I imagine us, like the butterfly, emerging slowly from this cocoon. Taking it one tiny step at a time, into the sunlight. Everything has shifted and I hope that we can collectively make more loving choices as we recreate our systems to better serve humanity and our ecosystem. There are some important things each of us can do to contribute and “be the change”. We can get comfortable with ourselves, honest and true and be clear on what we stand for. I stand for love, for caring, for holding each other up with nobody left behind. I think a basic universal income and guaranteed housing would be a fantastic place to start. All the money spent on the war machine can be turned to providing that and health care, education and funding for the arts. Animal agriculture should be ended and hemp and cannabis farms allowed to prosper and provide.
The sky is the limit! What kind of world do you want to live in? Keep marinating in your cocoon and we can discover that together….I love you!
“Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood” lyrics from Love Potion #9
Being misunderstood creates a complicated series of emotions. Frustration, confusion, anger, sadness cascade around inside a confused mind. How can I be more clear? How can I express myself in a way that can be understood? Understanding is peace – recognition feels so good, and when a communication is received through a clear filter, hearts open, joy arises. Layer the filter with insecurities, resentments and bad memories and misunderstandings can build to a crescendo of confusion.
“Why did you say that? Why didn’t you say it a different way? Why Why Why?” Many abusive conversations start this way – it has just occurred to me that those conversations in which we are told (usually angrily) that we should have done something differently are in fact abusive – since none of us can change the past. What would kindness say? I’m delving into some other ways to communicate that will be more effective, more kind and way more understanding.
There are many systems who aim is to remedy this kind of situation. Most of them would recommend staying away from the written word, as inflection calls for assumption, which is the beginning of a slippery slope and a downward slide. I love the book “The Four Agreements” which proposes a simple set of rules for staying on the positive side of discussions and conversations.
“Don’t Make Assumptions” is a rule that can often clarify misunderstandings. And oh how assumptions can multiply in a texting barrage. Oh dear! What is the remedy? To ask for clarity, to be open to receiving it instead of clinging to the original assumption, which has come from a clouded place – often dark. If we are going to make assumptions, it might be best to assume loving motives – albeit this can cause romantic confusion from time to time. Once again, just simple clarity can alleviate many kerfluffles. Simplicity rocks!
“Don’t take anything personally” – is another “rule” that is often forgotten. All of us have a unique perspective, a personal view. We can sometimes see clearly, but vision is once again clouded by our personalities and histories. Finding a way through to an open hearted perspective does bring us to the Promised Land of love. Bringing this teaching close to heart has helped me many times. “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are” said Anais Nin, in a fit of wisdom. “you, you, you” says the ego – if only “you” did something differently, I would be able to love you. Sigh, squirm, deflect, resist….
These two suggestions come up often for me. They can effectively guide me back to a place of understanding that includes seeing myself and others with compassion and love. If I still can’t get there I can turn to NVC or Non-violent communication. That system is based on the idea that criticizing and judging others (if only you had ________, I would be ok) is violence. It certainly isn’t the path of love or kindness. I haven’t met a person yet who could turn back the clock and re-do the past. It is a superpower many of us may wish for from time to time, but what we have is this moment, this opportunity, this love. NVC says to speak of feelings, instead of our judgements of other. “When you did X, I felt Y” as opposed to “why didn’t you do that differently, what’s wrong with you, now I’m mad”… And this is easier than it sounds, most of us have underdeveloped vocabularies for feelings due to centuries of emotional repression and interrelations that are based on anger and rage. NVC includes a handy reference guide to feelings – and a reminder that when we say “I feel like you are ________” is not a feeling, but a judgement.
I recently learned that when we say “I feel” it is most likely to express genuine emotion. When we say “I feel like” then the contemplation has returned to the mental realms of criticism and closed hearted judgements. These are fine points, I know as we stumble along on the day to day experience of living life as a learning process heading towards love. And just as an unfinished painting doesn’t include the finer details, an unfinished comprehension is the same. Filling in the details, being aware of the finer points, paints a different picture. Be an artist! Make your life be your masterpiece of understanding. It’s more fun that way, I am sure of it!
and then, when all else fails – there is a beautiful system called Ho’o’ponopono which goes something like this:
I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you….
repeat, repeat, repeat until you get it right….
My inner voice said repeatedly: “Okay self – you got this, you’re good, you’re balanced and happy. You keep calm under stressful circumstances. Years of meditation, spiritual healing and “inner work” seemed to have done the trick and helped keep your emotional life stable and simple.”
Continue reading “If you want to heal it, you gotta feel it…”
Always Choose Love- Give Love Gardens 