Tag: spirituality

Living with Long-Haul Covid symptoms

Leana Lovejoy3 Comments

This isn’t the blog post I wanted to write – this isn’t the life I thought I’d be living. That said I’m not intending to be a victim, and see my own body and symptoms as my teachers and healers. Understanding how to make the best of a bad situation is important to me, and going deeper into the process is my path and choice…

It all started at the end of January, 2020. I had a severe flu like illness, but nobody was talking about Covid yet. I, like many others, kept thinking “this is really the worst flu I’ve ever imagined” and the fatigue and aches and pains were intense almost leading to hospitalization but not quite. There was one night, when I had to sleep propped upright so I could breathe that I thought “if this gets any worse I’ll need to go to the hospital” but thankfully that was the worst moment for me – not for many others, though.

After a month in bed with crippling fatigue, and all kinds of strange pain, mostly focused in my legs – I knew I needed to get some exercise and start moving. I felt 85 years old (I’m a couple of decades younger than that) and could only walk bent over, and shuffling… a return to yoga, or sitting cross legged or just about any physical activity was impossible. After several practitioners didn’t understand what I was going through (they actually said “you’re fine, get going”) I found a chiropractor who understood that I had “frozen hips” or “adhesive capsulitis”. which is a condition that is comes and goes mysteriously – usually after prolonged inactivity…

This was the true beginning of ongoing and extended healing journey which has led to uncovering other major issues that continue to plague my life. I somehow tore a muscle in my thigh (OUCH!) and ruptured a disc in my low back. I’ve never had back trouble, or torn a muscle and I can honestly say i do not recommend either experience….and oh yeah, the muscle pain in my legs continues to baffle and trouble me. I get stiff when I’ve done too much, I can’t walk too much without a lot of pain the next day. I asked the practitioner how to know if I’m overdoing it and he said “because it hurts the next day”. So, caught between a desire to be active and a desire to heal completely I drift… wondering and trying to be more in touch with my body. It’s hugely challenging.

I was pretty active much of my life – bicycling, hiking, running, whitewater rafting, snorkeling and ocean swimming… then I got into extreme gardening (really!) and singlehandedly propagated thousands of plants to start a nursery. I can’t even dream of such activities these days. Walking to the mailbox is an ordeal… it’s about 50 yards up the hill and that takes all I’ve got. It’s been more than two years, almost three… or so…I have to constantly remind myself of the progress I’ve made from barely being able to sit up… not able to walk at all… to walking with a cane. I’m only 67 and this just isn’t how it was going to be.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to tell others about my challenges and when I do it usually elicits a response something like this “oh, me too I have _____ (you name it, back trouble, some other kind of trouble or maybe even cancer) and I realize that in this life there are many challenges, and health challenges can surely top the list. I took my own health for granted, and complained mightily about things that upon reflection clearly just weren’t that bad. I’m sorry to whoever I complained to.

Coming on 3 years life has been redefined for just about everyone on planet Earth. Lockdowns are common, fear of disease is rampant and it seems we’ve all become infected with PTSD, since life is traumatic. What is the cure? There is only one real direction to look and that is towards the big questions – what is the purpose of our lives? Is it happiness? Connection? Work? For me the only answer is creativity and inquiry. I’ve been mostly practicing the Wim Hof breathing method in the mornings and I found that when I am thinking of the challenges of my life and am overwhelmed by them I have a very short breath hold during that part of the session. When I wake up to that and replace the negative thinking with the picture of a sunflower then instantly my lung capacity increases and I feel better. Is it really that simple? I’ll let you know, or better yet, give it a try yourself and let me know.

Life is a dance and when my legs don’t work I dance with my arms. I’m not trying to belittle the experience just reflect what works when I start the rapid descent into self pity or am overcome by the pain and refusal of my body to cooperate like it used to. Looking around when I go out into the world I realize that I never did feel enough compassion for all the people walking around with canes, or crutches or in a wheelchair. They are most likely in some discomfort and pain, or they wouldn’t be using the crutches…and I want to send them some compassion and now I feel a sense of sisterhood with all of humanity that doesn’t have full health and can no longer do a wide range of yoga poses. This is how we learn, the hardest lessons of life come through experience.

And after regaining some mobility and finding ways to reduce the extreme pain I can only turn one way for purpose and that is to creativity in any of its forms. I bought watercolor paints, I chose some sewing projects, decided to learn to play bass guitar and I hired help to revive my overgrown gardens… One step at a time back into a life that feels good, that functions well and continuing on whether or not I can ever walk a mile again…this is how it goes.

Please let me know how you have coped with your extended illness and physical disability. I’m wondering if I can get the handicapped parking sticker! Surely I can find more benefit in this day’s possibilities even from my living room chair…

Disappointment and stress

Leana LovejoyLeave a comment

They stroll through life, hand in hand – disappointment and stress, stress and disappointment.  Unmet expectations lead to misery, unfulfilled ambitions cause pain.  This isn’t a given, it is a habitual pattern of humanity – one that can cause us to sit up and beg for change.  It certainly causes a lot of  uncomfortable feelings and outcomes.  I can accept that uncomfortable feelings are the harbingers of growth, loud messengers from our inner selves that there is some part that needs attention.  Our inner lives are a deep well!

Disappointment is the uncomfortable result of unmet expectations and unfulfilled attachments.  It can be extremely painful and clearly has the power to cause enormous suffering, especially when the disappointment is connected to an important relationship or outcome.  Disappointment can cause resentment, and its regular companion – anger. It’s easy to say that  least some of the time things don’t turn out the way we want them to,  and understanding a more compassionate way to meet this occurrence is one of the compelling reasons to engage in a life of inner growth and inquiry.

Acceptance is the flip side of disappointment.  Continued acceptance is dependent on a sturdy foundation of open hearted, non-judgmental self love.  It is a destination that isn’t found in travel magazines, or anywhere but within. As usual, recognition is the first big step towards releasing the uncomfortable mind traps that are the creators of a suffering. The greater the expectation the greater the disappointment when it is not met.  Is it possible to live a life without expectations, hopes and dreams?  I have experienced  travel as a good training ground for shifting harmful expectation since the only way to be comfortable while traveling is to release expectation and confront the present moment.  And facing this challenge necessarily brings a heaping glory of insight and clarity.

But life isn’t always happening in special situations and it is the everyday, the ordinary where many of the usual mind traps find fertile ground and take root.  It’s time to learn how to celebrate all the everyday wonders with joy, with a fresh perspective and with a relaxed mind and open heart.  Ahhhh it sounds so easy!   And yet, at this time in history as we are in “lockdown”, where free movement around the world isn’t possible,  what is another way to gain insight from our feelings?  It’s possible that there is more disappointment and stress now than before the lockdown.  We have been forcibly pressed to re-consider many things that were once taken for granted in life and re-orient as quickly as possible.

These times have generated a profound sense of stress for many.  Stress is a direct result of the fear of  disappointment.  Stress is a foreshadowing of the emotional pain of disappointment, in fact it is a share of the disappointment already being felt. What is the antidote for this?  Once again it points directly to relaxation, acceptance and bringing the complete self into the present moment.  None of us can foretell the future – one of the reasons so many keep trying is that future-telling or “forecasting” cannot be verified, and there is a kind of relief in hearing what may be happening before it happens… but truly there is no way to accurately foretell the future.   Just watch what happens when reassurance promises a good outcome.  The mind relaxes, the emotional body relaxes and just assuming a good outcome changes the present moment into something less stressful.  There you have it!  Once again, recognizing the mind as the generator of emotion turns us within to put more energy and effort into teaching our mind what we want it to know.  Deep breathing is so effective because it redirects our attention back to our body, to its momentary movements.

Here’s another quick and effective practice some years ago:  to come more fully into the present moment, try to be aware of all 5 senses at the same time… just try…

Let me know how it goes!

To Lyme Disease and back again –

Leana LovejoyLeave a comment

It started at ground level (an apt metaphor, to start with a bang!).  I’d planted a daffodil bulb, my first ever.  When its blindingly bright bonnet of a blossom unfolded like an origami miracle, my life began. There was no turning back, the spell was cast!  I became  enchanted by plants.  I dreamed plants, breathed plants and spent every moment I had in the garden, in the nursery or reading whatever gardening book I could find.  I continued to toil in a career for which I was increasingly unsuited until I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I left a lucrative high-tech career for the simplicity of a rare plant nursery and minimum wage work.  Happiness!  Heaven! Each day the plants and I communed, learning each other’s language.  I spent my meager pay on plants and committed myself full time to a life of nurturing of living beings.

Fast forward – 15 years or so – when I purchased a rundown old farmhouse on 10 acres.  This place was my dream palette, and I began planting all my dreams in that Gold Ridge sandy loam soil.  I opened my own country nursery- Wayward Gardens – specializing in plants for hummingbirds and butterflies.  My days were spent in the sunshine, propagating, pricking out and potting up.  I was satisfied, fulfilled and on fire with passion.

And yet, some parts of me were held back.  I loved my work but other parts of my life weren’t so fulfilling- my marriage was on the rocks, my nephew/ward was troublesome and delinquent and my inner being was inconstant turmoil.  I knew there was something missing, a state of being that felt more contented and happy.  I didn’t know how to find it, or what to even begin looking for…

As usually happens in these kind of times, I overworked and became ill.  It was Lyme disease.  I suffered for two years – bedridden.  My doctors were the best, and the treatment was the worst.  I survived, somehow and began rebuilding my strength.

After about 6 months in bed, filled with self-pity and suffering I had a spontaneous vision.  It was a vision of all the suffering people on planet Earth.  I felt connected to them, I saw them – they were in hospital beds, or poor homes, and they had no hope.  I was in a nice home, with full support and yet still I saw I had joined the ranks of the truly suffering.  I was one of them.  This was my turning point.  I had a spiritual re-awakening and realized that healing is a gift, healing is grace, which is bestowed or not.  I also knew that there were ways I could participate in this healing – that I could make better choices in my life to facilitate easier healing.  I needed to pray, and to choose love.  Love for myself, love for others – and to choose gratitude and positive thoughts.  I also made a prayer – “If I receive healing, please show me how to serve”…I saw that offering my life into the service of humanity was the way to receive healing.  I said “Please make it really clear”, a prayer I often make, which does seem to help a lot in manifesting what is wanted or needed.

I spent more time in my healing process, but had more courage since my re-awakening.  I felt humble and thought I might end up in a wheelchair for life, or be seriously handicapped.  I felt OK with that, as long as I could find my service.

After about 6 more months of treatment, I decided I couldn’t endure the antibiotics any longer and the doctor and I decided it was time for me to quit them and see how I felt.  It turns out that the side effects of the antibiotics and the Lyme symptoms are somewhat similar – fatigue and digestive distress being at the top of the list.

Lo and behold I did not experience the Lyme symptoms anymore once I quit the antibiotics.  Hallelujah!  I could live life again, I would be gifted that!  I could still walk a bit (about 5 minutes) but devoted myself right away to walking down my beautiful country road every day until I could easily walk for an hour.  That took about a month, my body was eager to live again.

At this point my marriage had severely deteriorated.  My years of illness had taken quite a toll on our intimacy.  My husband was angry that I had been in bed for so long.  He didn’t like the direction my life took when I was healthy again.  I started helping a meditation teacher.  His work had helped me to a wonderful new place in my life, he said to me “there is so much love for you in this world, Leana”… and I knew I had to find out what that meant.  I knew I hadn’t truly felt love or loved.  I wanted this more than anything.  I trusted him and began helping him almost full time.  He invited me to move to Hawaii and start a community there with him.

I moved to Hawaii and began an intensive self-reflection and healing process.  I was experiencing love in ways I didn’t know existed.  My own emotional body was opening, facilitated by many things:  dolphin swims, Hawaii sunsets, fresh tropical fruit and intensive meditation.  I also used herbal medicines and teas.

One day I sat in front of my computer to write in my journal.  Intense personal transformation seems to call for journalling – since it is a good way to be able to reflect back on one’s progress, and as an aid to compassion for others.  This way we can remind ourselves of the places we have come from.  The stages of heart opening are similar for many of us, it seems.

The stages are something like this, from my experience:

1.  The Realization that something isn’t right

2.   The search for the truth

3.  First encounter with higher truth

4.  The “washing machine” of transformation, which may takes days, months or years during which time life as we know it vanishes and staying present and grounded is a big challenge.  This is a very difficult time, we need a lot of support during this time.

5. The comfort zone – which continues to expand and contract with presence and lack of presence.

6.  Samadhi – the promised land!  (I’m not here yet but do feel it from time to time)

 

bless you all – stay on the path, every moment you give to the Great Work of awakening is worthwhile.  Just remember “Choose Love” and all will be ok.

 

 

Sing your own song

Leana LovejoyLeave a comment

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“It’s the healing of everything, always choose love”… this came to me as a simple song, it flooded into me, melody and words,  complete.  It’s been revised a bit, but in general it remains a simple song, a sweet song, and children’s song (almost) and a kind of anthem.  I do often contemplate what the truth of “always choose love” really is.  Are we autonomous beings, truly capable of choosing our actions in any moment, or are we “pencils in the hand of God” to quote Mother Teresa.  Its a very charged contemplation, my mind screams its support for the “free will” choice, while deeper contemplation shows that words emerge from my mouth before the thoughts are in my head (sometimes, I know, not always) so that the idea of “channeling” is what we are actually all doing.

This is not a very popular view.  What is the mechanism for creating intention?  For creating anything?  Can our minds comprehend the actual manifestation mechanisms of this realm?  The sense I have is that I am allowed to learn some of the back room workings of the Divine Mind, but somehow the challenge of our time on Earth is to live with a sense of adventure, a continual sense of fear to overcome and constant challenges to meet our basic needs.  In other words, its an ongoing “Survivor” episode !

The only things I know for sure are that gratitude and appreciation are rocket fuel for grace.  There is a feedback loop that can be accessed to check in with the soul’s progress towards love.  Humility is foundational to this loop, any sense of arrogance or pride weakens the communication link.

If you understand my words, please connect with me, resonance is beauty.971174_10152095056601647_1437299334_n