The Heart of Healing

It seemed to be a good time in my life  – so many dreams were coming true – one after the other.  Among other things, I had created a country nursery, selling plants for Hummingbirds and Butterflies.  It was a success!  There were customers every day, I had committed helpers and the way was clear, I just needed to keep going and it would keep growing…

Then, one day I started to feel funny.  I thought maybe I was entering menopause because the feelings were unknown and kinda strange.  I was losing energy, was fluish so I decided to take a two week rest and go from there.  At the end of two weeks I wasn’t any better, if anything I was worse.  Overwhelming fatigue, nausea, all kinds of crazy symptoms were just simply worsening.  I went to Kaiser and was told to go home and rest.  I went back to Kaiser and they said I definitely didn’t have Lyme disease, and gave me all kinds of misinformation.  I tried to keep going but finally found a Lyme doctor who interviewed me and gave me the news – it was Lyme, no doubt about it.  He sent samples to Igenex, the only lab that seemed to know how to diagnose Lyme.  The results came back – Lyme positive.

Don’t worry, said my wise and kind MD/Acupuncturist.  We’ll have you up and running again in about 6 months.  SIX MONTHS??????  Oh I was confident it wouldn’t be that long, I’d never really been sick before.  I took home two giant jars of antibiotics with directions to take a heroic dose that evening and go from there.

After a double dose of Amoxicillin and Doxycycline I became violently ill.  I just remember screaming in pain with a bad headache and vomiting that didn’t seem to stop.  I couldn’t take a pain killer so somehow made it through the night.  My husband was beside himself, he didn’t know how to help me but he tried.  The next day my doctor said to cut back the dose but that I had had the “Herxheimer” response to antibiotics and the Lyme bacteria that were being killed had poisoned my liver.  Only Lyme and Syphilis,  both of which are spirochetes (spiral shaped bacteria) create this response to antibiotics.  Who knew?  This was getting worse by the minute…

I then continued with what was to become a 14 month stint of heroic doses of antibiotics, changing them every two weeks, to try and fool the bacteria.  I also took probiotics, and a lot of other supplements, had acupuncture twice a month and later on got healing massage sessions from a loving woman.  This was the medical protocol and I followed it diligently, each day was a new hell realm of fatigue, foggy brain and strange emotions.  I remember that I had over 30 of the lyme symptoms as detailed by Dr. Burrascano.  His posting on the internet most likely saved my life as I was able to pursue the diagnosis even in the face of being denied treatment by Kaiser.

Back to my healing – I was mostly in bed, with regular trips to the bathroom.  Occasionally I made it into the living room where I could watch tv or watch my garden from the newly built window seat in my living room.  There weren’t other options, I couldn’t walk far, I was too dizzy and in too much pain.  Life as I knew it was over.  None of the pleasures of life were available to me – my brain was foggy so I couldn’t read, tv was painful, even food tasted horrible.  Sleep was intermittent.  So I cried.  I cried in self pity, I cried in grief for all I had lost I cried and cried and cried.

Then, one day I had what can only be called a spontaneous vision.  As I wallowed in the depths of despair I saw all the others on this earth who suffer – in hospital beds, maybe without beds and many of them worse off than me, as hard as that is to fathom.  I had joined the legions of sufferers, from my exalted life of adventure and success I was at the bottom of the lake, drowning in misery.

This was my biggest single turning point in my healing.  I realized that healing doesn’t come from doctors (they mostly can’t agree on a diagnosis), or even from pills, but is a form of grace.  Yes we can make the setting more fertile for grace, but nonetheless healing is not guaranteed – ever.  So, what do I offer this universe?  All that I have – that’s what.  I made a prayer that day- and this is the most important thing I have to share with those of you who seek healing – this was my prayer:

“Great Spirit, Please show me how to serve humanity – if I receive the grace of healing show me what you want me to do with my life – I offer everything, and please make it really clear”

to be continued…

a morning meditation

Breathing in, I fill my body with light
Breathing out, I give thanks for this divine moment

Breathing in I forgive myself
Breathing out I forgive everyone else

Breathing in I love myself
Breathing out I love everyone else

Breathing in I rest in awareness
Breathing out I rest my mind

Breathing in I feel light and free
Breathing out I release all that is holding me back

Breathing in I fill my lungs with light
Breathing out I forgive everyone who has harmed me

Breathing in I open to the divine light of love
Breathing out I forgive everyone I have harmed

Breathing in I recognize the Divine in all beings
Breathing out I send healing love to all

Mitakuye Oyasin
All My Relations


The Synergy of Community

I spend a lot of time alone – gardening, meditating and contemplating, reading and working.  I seem to alternate between great bursts of creativity and action and extended times of solitude and quiet.  Learning to enjoy solitude has been one of the greatest challenges of my life, and so I am really happy that I am able to savor each moment of alone time with my own being.

Then, sometimes I host larger gatherings – 40 or 50 folks with lots of overnight guests.  This weekend was quite special,  and the delight of joining together to sing and chant engenders an instant ecstasy.  The general vibrations of happiness that seem to move like waves through the room continued to amplify throughout the evening – as singers sang and dancers danced.  We each took our part in the cosmic “leela” as its called in Sanskrit.  The Divine Play, if you will, also known as our lives.  Each event is its own community, a microcosm of the greater group, which is spread across the planet, vibrating in harmonic resonance.

It’s mysterious, this ecstasy that arrives into a crowd of like minded open hearted people.  Palpable love flowing – energetic exchanges of the highest order, happening simultaneously around the room – like an electric charge – we dance together, we sing together we pray together.  We hold each other up.  This is what I live for – to ride the currents of love waves from shore to shore.  And to feel deeply the emotion as it resides in my emotional field – to master the art of recall.  To know that I am not a prisoner of emotion, but an experiencer of it – that makes it all easier.

I am ever grateful for the grace-filled life I am leading.  There is so much to give thanks for – to appreciate.  Today I watched an orange dragonfly flit around the little “pond” that was just revived.  Yesterday there were crows cawing continuously… today the hawks cry…and yet, I ask myself this question – most days – how can I better serve?  What gifts can I share out into this realm, knowing that there are sufferers and wanting to give a hand to them if possible.  My own suffering has diminished so much I am ready to give more to others.  What is the best way to help out, given my own constellation of gifts, skills and talents?

It no longer seems possible to spend time on things that are not calling strongly to me.  I have been reflecting on the ways that I have followed my inner call and have noticed that it is always easy to follow.  So, if there is no loud calling then it must be time to wait, to prepare and to be simple.  Are big changes coming, or I am in the middle of a process and cannot see it yet?  The kaleidoscope of possibilities keeps spinning, and just staying open to the beauty of it is the extent of what I can do right now.

I am interested in the big questions of life – navigating the challenges, understanding how to live in an open-minded, open hearted way, how to choose love.  There are so many tools (priests as one teacher put it) that can assist the powerful journey into the self. Acquainting myself with these tools, much like having a fully equipped woodshop, or mechanics garage – feels like the right path to be taking right now.

I’m open for conversation about the path of the heart – please send me an email if you’re interested in a discussion about where you are and where you’d like to go… if I can lend support, I would be most honored to do so.  My heart is full of love – love for you, love for the earth, love for the Divine One.  Let’s walk the sacred path together.  Community synergy will take us where we want to go…


Joining Heaven & Earth



Joining Heaven and Earth,

 Balancing the moving back and forth between togetherness and separateness,

inspiration and practicality

is rarely smooth and easy

All the rough edges we encounter in trying to bring together the opposites

freedom & commitment

Vision & groundedness

Letting go and taking hold

Romance and Reality

Individuality and Communion

are ways we forge our humanity and awaken our heart….


Organic flower gardening

Food, air, water and sunlight – put these together, insert a seed and chances are a plant will grow.  It’s the same for giant Sequoias and tiny daisies.  Growing healthy plants is an opportunity to become more fully present in this moment, to be still and listen closely.  How is the plant doing?  Most plants have a very strong will to live, just look around, they’re popping through the cracks in the sidewalk, or pushing up through asphalt.  We’re kidding ourselves if we think it’s hard to assist plants to grow.  Mostly we need to learn to get out of the way, once we’ve given them what they need.

There are, generally speaking, two kinds of plants – wild and domesticated – yes yes plants have been domesticated.  Some plants, mostly our staple food plants, have been in relationship with us human types for so long they have been selected for living in garden conditions.  So then, before you plant, or even put a shovel into the soil, think about what kind of plant you are going to plant.  If it’s a marigold, then tilled and aerated garden soil is best.  If it’s the wonderful trillium you just bought at the native plant sale, then disturb the soil as little as possible, and even use some soil from a place that trilliums already grow happily… if that kind of a soil is accessible to you.  Soil is teeming with microorganisms so you only need a little bit to innoculate your garden.  Some plants won’t grow without the other soil inhabitants, Madrone and Douglas fir trees absolutely  have to have the correct innoculants before they can thrive.  Our garden plants aren’t as picky, they like humus and nitrogen and tend to be very tolerant of garden conditions…and they can grow in just about any kind of soil.

I’ve got very sandy soil, easy to dig, light and fluffy but lacking in nutrients.  Heavy clay soil on the other hand is hard to dig but rich rich rich!  Six of one ;and half a dozen of the other, we work with what we’ve got. You can’t change the soil type you have, so give that up, but you can improve conditions for the plants…

next post:  how to improve conditions for your plants!

happy gardening,




Flowers inspire us, attract us to them and it’s just plain true that our lives are happier when we have flowers near us.  The power of flower fragrances to lift our spirits and heal our hearts is returning to our consciousness, and many of us use them to improve the feeling of our surroundings.  We all notice a sweetly scented room, –  “mmm, it smells good in here” is an automatic response to a bouquet of  deliciously fragrant roses, narcissus or gardenia, jasmine or tuberose.

Flowers are the faces of plants, the poetry of the garden.  Through their myriad form and color they interact with other beings in order to fulfill their purpose of bearing fruit and making seeds so that their species will continue to flourish.

Flowers come in a seemingly infinite variety of shapes, sizes and colors.  Their designs are simple or intricate, delicate or strong, long lasting or ephemeral.  Each flower is perfect and complete, bringing its gifts to the natural system.  Imagine for a moment that the birds and the bees also appreciate beauty and respond to color and form in the way that we do.  That would mean then that flowers are uplifting all life forms to a state of happiness.  Just watch as bees roll around ecstatically in the nectar of a poppy flower and it easy to understand this possibility.  Hummingbirds sip the most delicious nectars first,  just casual observation will show that they clearly have preferences in the garden.

Flowers  heal our hearts.  We send flowers to honor the death of a friend or family member, and flowers are essential at both weddings,  funerals and everything in between.  When we cannot think of another gift to give, we give flowers.  Most of us take this for granted, and just take for granted the way that flowers uplift our spirit.  Guardians of the mysteries of life, plants are always there, always helping, guiding, supporting and sustaining us.

Clarissa the cat enjoying the view